Sad Musings

I am who I am. I am what I was born as.

I have faced tough situations. I have seen things and felt things no human being should ever have to experience. But it has shaped who I am, and I would not give up who I am for anything in the world… I will certainly not reshape myself into a mould that I do not fit comfortably for the sake of another's opinion of me.

I know who loves me for me, I have made sure of it. And I love them in return, unconditionally. I am just like that. Someone who loves unconditionally. 

This is okay by me.

 I will return someone's love for me, tenfold, in my appreciation of them. Because I know it could be tough to love me sometimes. But not always. I try and make it worth it. This is okay by me.

So is being perceptive, intelligent, creative, caring, empathetic, open-minded… If I have to go through what I have gone through to reach these qualities in myself, I am okay with that. If I have to go through even more to further achieve wonderful qualities that I could not dream of at this time, so be it. I am okay with that.

I work incredibly hard in everything I do. I have a fantastic work incentive and I have recently discovered the surprising ability for leadership despite being of a quiet nature. I try to produce my best every time. I try to reach beyond the last time. I continue to reach. My art has flourished for it. And I have been told that, because of this, I inspire others to follow suit. This makes me feel warm and good. This is a good quality.

I am able to counsel others through their trauma and talk down someone who is having a violent fit of panic or suicidal thought or intention. I am able to devote myself to being there. 

I am only able to do this through the empathy that I have achieved by going through what I have gone through.

 In that, in making a difference to people who are troubled, just as I had people make a difference in my life throughout my troubles, I am DEFINITELY okay by that.

I still continue to have panic attacks. I still occasionally self-harm. 

Well, I am what I am. And those things alone do not define me.

They define me, along with everything else that I am. And I would not give up who I have become for the world. And I know that those closest to me would not wish me to give it up either.

What I struggle with deeply is the exhaustion of trying to prove these qualities of myself to others who close their minds to the concept. The doubt is tough sometimes.
Sometimes certain things that come so easily to most people is a legitimate struggle for me.
But in return, I excel in things that appear to be difficult to most. I find that it is an interesting reverse, and one that I enjoy, despite sometimes feeling inadequate with things that I've been told should just come easily. But then, in the end, it just wouldn't be me. I just wouldn't exist. I would be a different person entirely without the reverse.

And I am okay with who I am.
I am kind.

It's okay to get to know me a little better, though, to see for yourself.