Note: I hope none of this offends anyone. I get my terminology terribly messed up when it comes to this subject sometimes. There are just so many things. Just know that I meant well. Don't take too literally. Try to see what I was trying to convey. I am still a little ignorant on the subject.
I have always had a keen interest in the issue of sexuality. I remember when I was first exposed to the concept of homosexuality. Well, I don't remember the situation, but I do remember my confusion. I also remember my confusion over my confusion, and my eventual acceptance. I was young, then; too young to have really done the digging around that it may have taken for other people to do before they decided on a stance on the subject. I was pretty sheltered as a child, I think, and yet I was able to come to the understanding that it wasn't that big of a deal all on my own. It's something that is, looking back, one of my proudest moments. I didn't need any convincing. All I did was think about it, analyse it with as much depth as a child is capable of, and I came to my own conclusion. Perhaps I was simply lucky to have been exposed to it at a tender age; in my young innocence, I was able to make an unbiased decision that I have held close to me. I was able to take that example of young open-mindedness and apply it to other things later in life that I had difficulties wrapping my mind around. I would just think, 'Why would this be okay, but this not? I was able to accept this as something that a person simply is. This should be the same. I will be open to this.' That single act of compassionate acceptance has been an example for me for how I treat others in present day. It is an odd concept for me to think of myself as an idol for myself in that moment of acceptance. I set the example for myself, and followed it.
In retrospect, homosexuality may have been easy for me to embrace as a concept because of my ability to relate to it. I was still too young to know this at the time of my revelation with homosexuality, but there are usually signs when you are younger, isn't there? Well, for me, looking back, there were signs. I was probably around twelve years old when I began to identify with bisexuality. For seven years now, I have always thought of myself as just that: bisexual. I like men and women. I'm attracted to men and women. I have been touched by and I have touched and I have loved men and women. So, looking back, I can see how I was able to come to terms with the thought of same-sex couples. That doesn't lessen the beauty of what I had decided on back then. It's just a possible explanation. I have become a very open-minded person because of how I am able to relate and empathise with other human beings. I understand your love of another man or woman because I have felt love for man and woman. I understand monogamous relationships and I understand polygamous relationships; though I have never had the latter, I know what it is like to love two people at the same time; I can understand the nature of that. Recently, within the last couple of years, I have come to understand asexuality to a point, especially after my rape(s) and quite especially after the surgery that broke my heart. As a victim, I know what it is like to have such a lack of desire that it feels unnatural, and I mourn for it often when it disappears. I'm lucky that I have someone who can spark me up again, because the feeling is a distressing one for me personally. I'm in awe of and I have total respect for anyone who comes to terms and embraces their own asexuality. I have, however, had problems relating with cross-dressing and transgender/transsexuality. That isn't to say that I haven't accepted them. I have. They have every right to be and to live comfortably and to just be who they are and what they identify with. I have the whole sexuality thing figured out, for the most part at least, just not the gender things. I just haven't really been able to grasp how that would feel to have that as a part of you.
I have been able to relate to all types of sexuality but for a select few. This has bothered me. It has bothered me that I have come dangerously close to being uncomfortable with something I feel a great need to accept. So I have set out to learn. I set out to be enlightened by others with first-hand experience. I read. I analysed and reflected on other people's personal accounts of their struggles with their identity and how they have reached a relative peace with it. I won't get into all of the details, but long-story-made-short, after a while, I began to see a pattern that resonated within my own life. I was beginning to relate to these stories and the people behind them. Not only through the feelings of their hardships, which I have always empathised with, which has been one of the key factors in me still being fiercely protective over their right to be, but something deeper than that. I began to understand what those concepts were, as I understood bisexuality and homosexuality and the rest, because I began to identify.
I'm not going to get too much into the details, because it is a personal realisation that has shocked me to the core. I am still reeling a little bit, and so I am not going to get into it too much until I have it all figured out. But I do know that I need to convey this now. It's such a pivotal point of who I thought I was, who I perceived myself to be, and who I actually am.
It boils down to this. During mid-puberty and onwards, I have always seen myself as a very feminine person. But I have come to realise that there is a key difference that I have neglected to face. I took my very-feminine body as being the totality of my being feminine. I was never able to understand transgender/sexuality because I was never uncomfortable with my feminine body. I was never uncomfortable with my physical femininity. It was to my understanding that people who identify with the before-mentioned HAVE to be uncomfortable with their physical self. Yet, after reading some personal stories, I have found that's not always the case. Perhaps most times, maybe not most times, I don't really know. But I do know that it is not always. And it was this shift of thinking that suddenly made me connect with this form of identity. In doing so, I realised that I had collected a damned set. I have been able to relate to every single one of these forms of sexuality and gender-identification. What the hell, man? What did that make me? Who the fuck am I? Why does this always happen when I dig deeper? Damn it, I need to stop doing that. Digging deeper. But damn it, I'm glad I do. I'm glad that's the person I am.
I look back on my "childhood" (lol) and I see the same signs that they saw. Being a tomboy, but having that taken to a much bigger level. I wanted BOY'S pants. I wanted to shop in the BOY'S section, damn it. I wanted PRACTICAL clothing. What the hell do you mean I'm growing BOOBS? Well, probably normal I-just-hit-puberty-omfg stuff, but for me, looking back, it went a little deeper than that. I have a feminine body, and yes, I can sure be feminine, but in me, within me, deep in me, suppressed inside of me, I have been able to, on occasions, small glimpses, hidden glimpses, I have been able to identify with being a boy.
Does this sound familiar to you? Maybe it's not as bogus as one may think. Keep reading and I'll come back to elaborating on this. I just have to continue my point.
Heterosexuality. Homosexuality. Bisexuality. Asexuality. Monogamy. Polygamy. Transgender. Transsexual. Cross-dressing. More! Many more! None of them define me any more than the other. In retrospect, I realise that I only identified exclusively with bisexuality for so long because, out of all of them, it gave me the greatest range to identify with. But I see now that it is more than that. Why? Why can't I be in a group? I like belonging. It's a problem that I have, my fear of not-belonging. I know it's an issue. I'm working on it. But still, sexuality is a pretty damned important thing to figure out for yourself in order to properly know yourself.
So, uncharacteristically, I began to think, "Maybe it's not me." What? I'm not blaming myself? Anyway, I began to think, "Maybe it's the nature of sexuality. Maybe it is not set in stone. What is not stone? Water. Fluids. Yes. Sexuality and fluidity. Sexuality is a fluid thing, changing always, every day."
So now I bring you back to the familiarity of my pre-pubescent meltdowns. I bring you back to reflect on culturally conventional gender roles, and I ask you to think about how you REALLY identify with these 'roles'. The little boys who dress up as princess. The tomboys. The girly girls. Hopping from one phase to another.
Why should anyone have to identify with one thing, or any thing, or not all things? I am going to give an example that I have always found really interesting. I believe that the context I originally saw it in was combating the issue of people believing that bisexuality is non-existent; that it is just a 'phase' of simply not being able to choose -just- yet, but that eventually, someone who is bisexual will settle.
You are at a party, and the host has offered you dessert. You get a choice between having a slice of pie, or having a slice of cake. You choose pie. Pie is fucking delicious, I don't blame you. Anyway, you get your slice of pie, and you eat it, and you have a merry time at this party getting smashed or whatever it is that you do at parties. I wouldn't know.
A month later, the host is throwing another party, and you're invited! The other party was fun, you got to get smashed or whatever, so you accept and you attend this second party. You arrive, and the host greets you. A little later, you're offered the choice of pie or cake again. Great! But you've had your fill of pie recently, and that cake looks pretty damn fine, so you choose cake.
The host looks at you in confusion. No, you can't have this cake. You chose pie last time, so you have to choose pie always. You have to love pie. Pie should be your only option, because it was your choice last time.
Well, you explain to him, I just don't really feel like pie right now. I feel like cake! May I have some cake?
Absolutely not! You chose pie before! NOW YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE PIE ALWAYS AND GROW OLD WITH PIE AND NEVER LEAVE PIE AND NEVER THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE WITH PIE DAMN YOU EAT THE PIE.
Alright, story ends. Like someone has said before, when it comes to understanding sexuality, food analogies are always best! Understandably, if you were in this situation, you would think the host is pretty crazy, no doubt. Your tastes change all the time, your desires change all the time. If that is true for food, why shouldn't it be true for your own sexuality? Why shouldn't your sexuality be fluid and ever-changing? I could go out to a bakery with the intent on grabbing myself a wonderful pie, but as soon as I get to the counter, I change my mind and I get myself a lovely little cake instead.
I am none of those things. I recognise my gender and my sexuality as being fluid. This is what I identify with, and I cannot express in words the relief I feel in having figured this out about myself.
I believe that everyone experiences this gender/sexuality fluidity. I believe that everyone experiences it on different scales. I believe that I experience gender fluidity more so than most people, but not in an erratic way that some people do. I'm kind of middle ground. I'm pretty happy where I am. It's allowed me to be a very compassionate person. Or it has just enhanced that part of my personality that I've always had. Haven't figured that one out yet. I hope it's the latter.
So I'm going to lay it down now. It's getting pretty late.
I like women
I like men
I like having sex with women
I like having sex with men
I don't want sex with either
I'm interested in neither
I'm pretty feminine
I'm also pretty masculine and sometimes that's a struggle
Sometimes I am neither
Sometimes being neither makes me feel relieved, and sometimes I feel intensely confused.
I like to put make-up on and sometimes I like to wear skirts that flatter my hips
I like to throw on one of those ugly-shirt-tank-top-things-that-guys-typically-wear on and I wish I had the guts to buy men's jeans. I think men's jeans are sexy and I wanna wear them, damn it.
