Selfish

This issue has cropped up today through my own personal reflection as well as through a little run-in I had with an ex-boyfriend today through text. This got me thinking about the control that had been exerted over me throughout most of my relationships in my lifetime, romantic or otherwise, and just how they were able to extend that control over me and keep it there. I used to be a wilful girl who was beginning to come into her rebellion stage. I still had that stage, but to a very different extent from other young teenagers, because my rebellious nature had be squashed so thoroughly by those seeking to control me. I had been subject to abuse for all of my life, but I recall quite clearly that, as a fourteen year old, I was beginning to be a little more vocal about my beliefs and opinions and acting upon them. Immaturely, I will grant you, but it was a budding that would have blossomed into quite the flower had it been able to be nurtured, rather than become the bitter weed it is today.
Anyway, I was beginning to take charge of my life in small ways and I was beginning to develop my own ideals and morals on my own. So what was it that stopped that development within me in its tracks? What could possibly have turned me around from that path that is so vital to the development of the self?

I have been thinking quite a bit about this sudden back-track of mine, and after the encounter I had today, I realise now what it had been, in my early teenage years. It is only one word that stopped me then, and still makes me hesitate to this day. The word 'selfish'.

Reflecting back on my past relationships, I realise how much weight this word carried with me. I look back and I see the same trend within any abusive relationship I had been in: I had been called selfish. This word horrified me. To have such a word attached to my person revolted me. I was an exceptionally selfless person, looking back. I was happy to help anyone in any way that I could, much like I am trying to do now, as I am writing this blog for the benefit of the reader as much as for myself. I am still a selfless person. Dangerously so. I hardly allow time for my own growth of happiness before I plunge my efforts into building someone else's.
The problem with the word 'selfish' is that it, by very definition, is what human beings are, even should they be selfless most times, and yet it has such a negative stigma attached to it that makes it a horrifying word to be associated with. We associate this word with being hand-in-hand with egotistical, self-absorbed, narcissistic. It is an all-encompassing word that holds such a weight, and it is a lethal weapon when in the hands of someone seeking control. We, as human beings, do not like being faced with the possibility that we are creatures who only think of oneself. We know there is a goodness within us, as good people, and this word acts as a weapon that seeks to undermine whoever holds these values to their person. To suggest that someone is selfish when they actively seek to prove otherwise is a successful tool for the abuser. The reason why this tool is so successful is because of how vague the definition of concept can truly be, coupled with the negative stigma attached to the word.

An example of one such definition is one from dictionary.com:

"characterized by or manifesting concern of care only for oneself: selfish motives."

Now, that is a pretty general and ominous statement right there. By this definition, it is extremely hard NOT to be selfish. This is exactly the issue, however. An abuser who seeks to undermine their victim can pull the selfish card to force their victim into making a decision they would not otherwise have made, and they can pull this card with this source as a back-up to show how the receiving end of this insult is, by dictionary definition, a selfish person. (Never mind that the word 'only' could potentially change the entire definition, depending on how much weight is put on that singular word. Of course, for the abuser who is experienced at what they do, that word slips away quite quietly in the face of the rest of the damning passage.)

In the face of screaming wrath and threats, or in the face of that soft disappointment with vague suggestions that you are not good enough as a person, once the 'selfish' card is pulled, the abused, someone who is trying to defend their good nature as a selfless person, will give in to the demands made of their abuser.

However, the abused will not consider this little tidbit until well after the abuse: by this definition, every. single. person. on. this. planet. is. the. absolute. embodiment. exact. definition. of. selfish. You CANNOT escape this definition no matter who you are or what you do to redeem yourself. But the abuser is going to hide that fact with whatever method of manipulation they use to their advantage. They are going to make this definition about YOU, solely YOU, and YOU are the only one that this definition of absolution refers to, never mind that they are pulling any string they can to make you do something you don't want to do for their own benefit.

And then there is this lovely little definition found on another corner of the interwebs at merrian-webster:

"concerned excessively or exclusively for oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others"

BINGO! The definition of 'selfish' has thus just been completely transformed into something a little less damnable, just by sticking that last little bit there on the end. The 'only' has been changed from one itty-bitty little wordy, easily silenced, into an enormous screaming HELLOOOO THIS IS AN IMPORTANT PART OF SELFISHNESS part of this 'horrible' word. One word has been changed to four and has been placed at the end of the sentence for emphasis. The definitions are EXACTLY THE SAME, just worded differently! With emphasis where it is supposed to be! Holy damn, where was this definition when I needed it?

This is an empowering definition for those who have been suppressed by the previous one. The culprits of selfishness have just been narrowed down to people who are ruthlessly going forth in their life seeking only for themselves without thinking of others. I.E. the person standing in front of you, or contacting you through your computer screen, or the voice coming through the receiver of your phone, or the short little messages buzzing and bleeping on that same phone, trying to convince you that you are a worthless person for not doing what they want. They are not regarding your feelings over the matter. This is what they want and if your feelings and your sense of worth have to get hurt through the venom they spit at you to achieve that, well, that's exactly what they are going to do. You, precious little selfless thing, who has struggled and strived for a balance in selfless and living your own life, are now exempt from this definition, do not you worry. What makes you unselfish is that you weigh your decisions carefully and you are aware of the consequences that they could bring. You were already aware and sensitive to the fact that, no, you did not want to do what this person wanted, but you felt compassion for rejecting them anyway. You weighed their feelings and recognised them and made a decision against it, and you feel sorry that you had to make that decision. If you did not have that initial compassion for rejecting this person, they would not have been successful in swaying you over or forcing you to change your mind. You are not a selfish person.

So I have some letters to write, it seems.

Dear slimy high school boyfriend: You assaulting me repeatedly throughout the course of three to four years was not acceptable. Calling me selfish as a tool of coercion into sex because you knew how much I feared that word and using it as leverage over me was wrong and illegal. Convincing me that I owed you sex and how shirking that duty to you was selfish of me was DISGUSTING. I wish I had put you away.

Sincerely,

The-bitch-who-wouldn't-say-yes-so-I-ignored-the-nos-and-pretended-it-was-a-yes.

Dear sister: You calling me selfish for standing up for myself was unacceptable. Get off your pedestal and face the real world. I took you in to my home, fed you my food, allowed you to 'borrow' (take) my money for your lunches, and turned the other way when you engaged in activities that were immoral. I did not have to do this for you. I am not your mother, yet I took on that role for you. I PROTECTED you. You stripped that away. I'm sorry for your loss. Because you lost a DAMNED good sister.

Sincerely,

Your-bitch-sister-who... the hell did I ever do to wrong you? Guess I'll just sign this as Your Bitch Sister.

Dear father: You calling me selfish for 'imposing' myself on your life was unacceptable. I am your daughter. I inherited your family's mental disorders, something you yourself suffer from, and FUCK YOU for saying that I was faking it. You calling me selfish for requesting that you stop smoking in my presence as I suffered from asthma was INAPPROPRIATE. Turning the other way when your girlfriend's son (which one? hmm..) molested me was INAPPROPRIATE. YOU are an INAPPROPRIATE MAN and a POOR FATHER.

Sincerely,

Your-messed-up-attention-starved-natural-liar-drama-queen-daughter.

Now, to respond to the shameful ex-boyfriend who texted me today.

Dear recently-ex'd-boyfriend: You calling me selfish because I refused your advances was unacceptable. Saying that I am selfish for applying my past experiences of abuse to innocent ol' you was unacceptable. Saying that I should be striving in my life to help everyone that I can at the cost of myself or be doomed lonely was unacceptable. Implying that I should shirk my judgement and all the work that I have done lately to further myself in my life all for the benefit of your feelings was unacceptable. When I turned you down, I had your feelings totally in mind. I felt bad that you still advanced upon me. I felt bad that your feelings were hurt and offered my condolences and my friendship. I was NOT, by definition, selfish to you. Your stone-set belief that we should be together is your own delusion and forcing that delusion upon me to change my mind was unacceptable and selfish on your part. Defending the wrongs that you had done by me as nothing more than what any other 22-year-old would have done was unacceptable. You need a reality check and your mother needs to slap your face and tell you that you treat women horribly, including her. Your assumption that women should wait on you and make themselves available to you at your own messed-up schedule and leisure is wrong. Unfortunately, with the world we live in today, in this imperfect world where misogynists are accepted in most places, you will find your place in the world and you will probably never realise how wrong you are. Only when you look back on your life and how absent it is of women who have stuck by you for long periods of time will you maybe clue in that something is amiss with you. Or maybe it's just the women! Women, they just don't know what they are missing out on. Yeah, you will probably blame the women. You will still never fully understand why they abandon ship once they see who you are and what you think of them. For that, for your ignorance, I feel sorry for you.

Sincerely,

The-bitch-how-dare-she-reject-someone-as-awesome-as-you

I believe that is the last time that I will let the word 'selfish' get under my skin. It is certainly the last time I am going to waste my breath defending myself against it. The truly unselfish have nothing to prove to someone using such petty tricks designed to undermine their confidence in their decision, by using their compassion for others against them. To those who have fallen victims to this scam, I can only hope that you, too, will awaken to this dramatic attempt at manipulating your opinions and have none of it ever again. In order for this trick to even work on you, you are not, by definition, a selfish person. Having this wool pulled over your eyes even just once disproves the abuser's allegations on your good nature.

Sorry for your hurts, pals, but I have to look out for myself too, you know.

Good god get over it.