Reasons For Why You Shouldn't Rape

STRONG TRIGGER WARNING AHEAD.

How do I start this?

How do I even begin to convey in words what I have recently been made to feel again, two weeks ago? I have found myself sitting here on occasion, these last couple of weeks, staring at this empty document. And today, I have found myself sitting here for hours now. I need to write this down. I don't really know how to begin. I'm just typing. Look, there we go, I have words now. Words are a start. This is a kind of in-the-moment, unplanned thing. I'm just typing. I guess that will suffice as a beginning.

Two weeks ago, my rapist sent me an email.

...

Where.. do I even begin? Truly? 

My rapist sent me an email.

My rapist.

The same rapist who raped me.

I was raped by a rapist and this was that rapist and he emailed me.

You know…? The same rapist who held me down while I cried that he was hurting me but he raped me anyway? That rapist. The rapist who raped me. Raped by a rapist. Violation. Rape. Betrayal. Rape. Abuse. Rape. Force. Rape. Trauma. Rape. Blood. Rape. Terror. Rape. Rape. Rape Rape Rape Rape Rape.

THAT rapist. The same one. That same rapist.

And he emailed me.

Can you just… take a second, and try to grasp what that.. is? What that means? To be raped? By a rapist?

The rapist who raped me. Held me down. Pulled down my pants. Raped me. I said it hurt. He kept on raping me anyway. And after I scrubbed myself so hard in the bathtub to get him off of me that I scraped the skin off and bled and the water turned pinkish but I still felt so dirty and then I dropped out of high school and tried to kill myself and became psychotically depressed with terror and wound up in a psychiatric ward and I bled and bled and bled and screamed and screamed and screamed daily. 

Yes. That rapist. The rapist who did that to me. 

The rapist who raped me.

Emailed me.

Can you just… imagine? Imagine what that would be like?

Can you imagine what he may say? My rapist? To his rape victim?

Take a moment. Take a brief moment.

What… would a rapist say, to his rape victim?

Three years after her rape? The rape that he committed?

Do you imagine that maybe

He would apologise? Maybe?

Maybe express regret?

Perhaps he was so guilty and tortured that he was trying to make amends before he did something awesome like end his pitiful and despicable fucking life or turn himself in? Maybe? God you would hope so, wouldn't you? I would certainly hope so.

Or maybe

He would say something along the lines of,

Hey (ex girlfriend that I abused and raped for three-four years)!,
Hey (ex girlfriend from a relationship that ended in incredible violence, that ended in the tragic death of inner-child)!,

How are you doing!? How has life been treating you these last few years?!

I've been good, myself. I've been doing pretty well in school and blahblahblah! I've actually been volunteering blahblah and working blahblah and I'm even on the student council at my college blahblahblahblah so I've been pretty busy. Still pretty quiet and shy though so it's hard to connect with people still lol (don't you remember? so funny). Anyway Tori (remember the cat we picked out together? Tori? Remember Tori? You remember Tori? Tori? The cat we picked out together? As a couple? Tori? We named her Tori.) is all grown up now and getting quite fat. She's definitely become a member of the family (remember my family? remember? when we were a couple? you came over all the time?).
Anyway I don't know if you will reply or not (because I raped you, remember? lol. Remember when I raped you? Ahh, the good old days, right? When I raped you? lol good times) but it would be great to hear from you again to see what you're up to! I'd love to catch up some time.
Anyway have a good one! (even though you won't now because I raped you and won't allow your terror to go away)

From,

Your Rapist.

..

No, never that.

You can't just…

lol you can't just

EMAIL the girl you raped after three years and go, HEY HOWS IT GOING REMEMBER OUR LIFE TOGETHER AND LOOK HOW WELL I'M DOING

he would never

he's not that INHUMAN right?

I mean sure he RAPED and that's just

an INHUMAN ACT to begin with but he just wouldn't

like

RUB IT IN like that, right?

Or forget it all happened or something?

Or just like,

Not… care?

Right?

Right?

So much normalcy...

I just…

For the last three years… I have been living in this delusional world where… He felt bad. That he had human in him. That the boy I dated for four years wasn't fully animal for our entire relationship. That I wasn't so naive. That I couldn't have known. That he had a moment of being inhuman but reverted back to being human and reflected on what he had done and what I had accused him of and was DESTROYED by what he had done to me, in destroying me. Wouldn't that be fair? He played so many mind tricks on me in our four year relationship that he had me protecting him to the very end, didn't he? I protected the shit out of that boy, when he raped me. I simply disappeared off the face of his world. I didn't go to the police. I didn't have him arrested. I didn't press charges. I didn't ruin his chances of getting into the university that I knew he worked so hard to get into. So it would only be fair that he took it upon himself, to punish himself, right? So tortured by what he had done that he would drop out of school, or fail, and need to quit his job, and perhaps get himself some help, because he realised that he has a monster in him that he needs to get under some fucking control.

Normalcy. So much normalcy. Like nothing happened. Like I didn't accuse him of rape.

I have been hoping for the last three years that he has been living in anguish over what he did to me. Because even though he was in denial at the time I accused, after reflecting back on it and wondering what had happened, what had gone WRONG?

ANYONE HUMAN COULD HAVE SEEN WHAT HE HAD DONE. I didn't press charges, but I had hoped that my accusation/declaration would have crushed him in the realisation of what he had done.

I have been living in this fantasy for the last three years that he was suffering.

And now reality has hit. No. He never emerged from the denial.

My rapist, the rapist who raped me, he's doing well. My rapist is doing better than I am.

I protected him to give him that.

I had hoped that I hadn't have been successful in giving that to him.

But I was successful..

I snapped. I fell so hard. I had never in my life of mental illness broken that fast and that completely in such a short amount of time. I went from smiling to confusion to screaming. So quickly. My post-traumatic stress disorder overcame me, overwhelmed me, crushed me before I even knew what had really hit me. (Please can't you see that this destroyed me. Someone?)

And so I re-lived, again, my rape through post-traumatic stress disorder flashbacks. I was raped again that night, in my mind, by him, so real. He pulled down my pants and held me down and I cried and he raped me again that night. I have fought so hard for so long to break free from his power over me and in ONE message all of that was reversed and I fell victim once again.

Fucking… hell and I was so powerless.

I didn't even stop to think I just deleted the email and messaged him without thinking that I should probably keep it as evidence god damn it and that I should have fought BACK. Because here is my CHANCE! To fight him back! Like I wasn't able to do physically, three years ago. All of those years with him.

But it didn't work out like that, did it.

God fucking damn it this post is full of melodramatic bullshit but fucking hell I want everyone to SEE WHAT HE DID. I feel increasing anxiety that I'm not conveying my emotions well enough. They are so intense that it's hard for that to come across in words but I WANT it to. I want someone to picture me legitimately laying on the floor screaming and crying with blood on my arms and be moved to tears and anger and a need to reach out to me through that image. I want someone to know, through my words, without experiencing the trauma themselves but KNOWING enough through my words, what I went through.

I just want someone to understand that I was RAPED.

Do you understand what rape IS!?

I want someone to look at me, 5'2", 115 lbs, talented, quick to smile, intelligent

And I want them to imagine my heart-shaped face being pressed into a pillow while my blue eyes cried as he forced 'himself' into me. INSIDE of me. INSIDE of ME. Of ME. ME, something that /I/ should have complete and utter control of. MYSELF. MY possession. MY body. And he forced something INSIDE of it over and OVER again against my will. It wasn't SEX, it had nothing to do with SEX, it was about taking away my CONTROL so that he could be POWERFUL. It was RAPE. I was RAPED.
And,
How does that make you feel!?
Can you imagine!?

How INVASIVE that was. How much of an understatement the word INVASIVE IS. The VIOLATION. The TRAUMA. The NiGHTMARES. How BETRAYED I was. I trusted him to NOT rape me. But he RAPED me.

And I do not want someone to go, "aww, I'm so sorry.."
I do not want someone to be silent,

but to be fucking MAD

Like, really fucking ANGRY on my behalf

Because this fucker RAPED me and had the GALL to fucking MESSAGE ME with his NORMALCY BULLSHIT LIKE NOTHING EVER FUCKING HAPPENED LIKE HE DIDN'T FUCK ME UP.

Because he did fuck me up.

So badly.

I just can't wrap my mind around how FUCKED UP he made me feel, how fucked up the situation is, how fucked up my life is, how raping me set me YEARS behind everyone else. It's on a COLOSSAL scale, how fucked up I have been, and how my life has been. ENORMOUS. Unmeasurable. So. much. destruction and chaos.

How have I been? HOW AM I?

I'll tell you how fucking well I have been since you RAPED me, RAPIST.

First of all I went from being a straight A student to a fucking high school DROP OUT who couldn't even leave her fucking house and flipped her shit over the locks on the doors because you tried to break in that one time after you raped me.

So thank you for making me the DISAPPOINTMENT of my family.

Yeah, there's the second thing.

Thanks for destroying MY FAMILY TOO.

Thanks for fracturing the tentative relationship with my mother, thanks for destroying my relationship with my sister, for OBLITERATING my relationship with my father. Severing me from my father's side of the family. The weddings and births I have missed because I am too GODDAMN AFRAID TO REACH OUT.

Thanks for the POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER and the SLEW OF OTHER MENTAL DISORDERS that I now have to fucking deal with. Thanks for triggering a PSYCHOTIC BREAKDOWN. How have I BEEN? Well, let's see, I've only tried and almost succeeded in killing myself a few times, that's all! I only succeeded in getting myself locked away against my will in a psychiatric ward, no big FUCKING DEAL OR ANYTHING.

How. Have. I. Been.

Well my skin is no longer beautiful on my legs because I've slashed my thighs open to bleed out the pain that you put me through. I only have scar tissue upon scar tissue upon scar tissue, no biggie. I only cried until I literally choked and dreamed of dying and had nightmares of living. I was only kicked out and pretty much homeless for a little while there because no one understood what the fuck I was on about and I wasn't healing fast enough for them so hit the road, rape victim! Get out of here! You're crying too much.

I only lost EVERYTHING that I held dear to me, most of my closest friends, any potential friendships that could have bloomed. You were only the cause of the disorders that were the reason for why I was threatened, and successfully threatened, into a surgery that I did not WANT.

Forced to get a job and move out on my own before I was ready for it. While I was still dealing with the trauma. Over 40 hours a week, minimum wage, while I cried most nights for being raped in my dreams over and over again.

I only look over my shoulder EVERY GOD DAMN TIME I AM OUTSIDE because I am TERRIFIED of seeing you. TERRIFIED of being chained to this area that I know is nearby YOU. I know you frequent HERE and I know that you know that I am HERE and so I am TERRIFIED of leaving my own god damn home. Not that my home would stop you, nothing could stop you, as is evident by you RAPING ME.

How have I been…?

Sad… and so very angry. And depressed and misunderstood and so very alone and disconnected and detached and feeling way too much.

I learned to mistrust and I learned suspicion and silence and literal insanity.

I learned to distance myself from everyone around me.

I learned to channel my sobs into convulsions so that my father wouldn't hear me in the other room. I would just convulse instead of scream.

I learned how to get bloodstains out of bedsheets and how to properly tend to wounds.

Once you have been raped it... changes you. You become mistrustful in the worst way possible. People who are not victims, who do not know victims, they go about their lives giving away trust to others. They simply trust. They trust that they will not be raped.

But the moment you become a rape victim... that disappears. Your entire outlook completely changes.

Now, people have to EARN your trust in them that they will not rape you.

As a rape victim, you live your life in fear of other people, in fear of rape. Mistrusting other people and mistrusting their control over themselves.

You never completely trust again.

Every new partner falls under your suspicion and scrutiny.

Are they displaying the signs?

How do I trust this person?

Do they have the potential to rape me?

So I have learned to mistrust people.

I have been taught, in such a brutal way, through such a brutal lesson, to not assume the trust.

To withhold it from others until they can PROVE to you that they will not hurt you in that way.

You have to EARN my trust to not rape me. Isn't that bizarre? Can you imagine that?

I wouldn't have been able to conceive of something like that, a mindset like this, pre-rape....

All on my own, through my own strength of will, I have climbed from the depths that you threw me down to. I earned my high school diploma two years after I dropped out. I  applied for and was accepted into college. I just received my grades and I achieved a 4.0 GPA in college. I've held my job for two years. I was promoted to supervisor a year ago. I started building up relationships again. Reaching out a little bit more. Almost enjoying myself. That was what /I/ did. That's MY strength. It took me THREE YEARS to even climb to the STARTING point of where you merrily are, rapist.

And then you just

thought you could just

message me.

And you destroyed all that. You messaged me the night before my biggest exam.

I am a straight-A student and that day, when I went in and wrote that exam, I received 55%.

That's just fucking… HIGH SCHOOL all over again, what you did to me.

FUCKED me over so that I went from fucking AMAZING to fucking

destroyed.
How fucking...

DARE YOU!?
HOW FUCKING DARE YOU EVEN THINK TO ENTER MY LIFE AGAIN AND CAUSE THE SAME FUCKING BULLSHIT THAT I SO PAINSTAKINGLY FOUGHT AND RECOVERED FROM, ALL THESE YEARS? ALL THESE YEARS SINCE YOU RAPED ME?

RAPIST?

HOW DARE YOU.
I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE YOU HAD
THE NERVE
to
message
me.

And no.

You didn't act the way I had been hoping, all of these years.

Tormented and anguished.

No. You didn't.

Because you're not a compassionate human being.

You're not a reasonable human being.

You don't care for me or for others.

I was merely a possession all along.

Something to control.

You objectified me. Stripped away my identity as a person.

I suppose doing that made it easier to rape me.

Because if I was a human being with thoughts and feelings it would be harder to rape me without feeling really bad about it, probably.

But I was just a woman. Your woman. A woman that you controlled. Right?

A possession.

Raping possessions isn't so bad, right?

It's like, it's not rape at all, and you can like, just… get on with your own life afterwards.

If I was just a possession and not a human being with thoughts and feelings.

Right?

I'm the one living in torment and in anguish.

That's just not fair.

It's just really not fair at all.

You should be the one living in torment and anguish.

But there you are.

With your normal life.

Your successful life.

Congratulations, rapist.

You represent rapists everywhere.